Growing Healthier Through Self-Talk
Words are powerful. The Bible compares the power of words to a spark that can cause a wildfire (perhaps a metaphor too close to home for us Californians) or a small rudder than can control an entire ship. Whether our words are spoken aloud or only thought, they have a huge impact on our emotions and behavior.
Self-talk is the pyscho-babble term for how we speak to ourself (fancy huh?). Many of my clients dealing with depression & anxiety are regularly using negative self-talk. Like it sounds, negative self-talk is being critical, dismissive, or harsh toward yourself. Typically people with negative self-talk will say things to themselves like “You always blow it!”, “You’re not good enough”, “You can’t do it” or “No one likes you”. Ouch!
You’ve likely been on the receiving end of some harsh comments that left a scar , so it’s not hard to envision the emotional and relational damage of a friend or family members constantly saying any of these things to you. It can evoke feelings of inadequacy, shame, embarrassment, sadness, etc.. We teach our little ones to speak kindly to others, yet fail to to do the same to ourselves, allowing squatter’s rights to these harsh words that fill our brain.
Positive self-talk is just the opposite, it’s speaking to yourself kindly. Healthy positive self-talk isn’t blind positivity that dismisses feelings or detached from a difficult reality. The goal of positive self-talk is embracing a gentler way of relating to yourself. It’s extending the same compassion, love, and encouragement to yourself as you would offer a friend.
Positive self-talk may say things like “That didn’t go as well as you hoped, it’s okay to be disappointed”, “You got this!”, “It’s important to take care of yourself”, “You are enough”. Imagine the difference this can make in your mood, confidence, and behaviors.
When you catch yourself using harsh, negative self-talk, take a moment to reframe it with a gentler tone. If you struggle with that, imagine yourself as the listener and a friend presenting their struggle, difficulty, or celebration. What would you say to them in response? Then practice offering yourself the same. If you need to borrow some positive language, practicing affirmations is a great place to begin.
If you are drowning in negative self-talk and need help, reach out. Sometimes we need to borrow other people’s kindness toward us before we can try it on ourselves.