Befriending Our Ugly Parts

We all have them. Those unsightly parts of ourselves that are bossy, unyielding, unforgiving, angry, selfish, viciously critical, duplicitous, etc. I recently was dealing (ungracefully) with a months long nightmarish internet installation problem and said to my husband “This is the absolute worst version of me” You know those parts?

We much prefer to present the lovely, organized, socially acceptable parts of ourselves. The parts that help us stay organized, keep harmony in relationships, win the promotion, be a good friend. We like to keep those parts front and center. When one of those ugly parts takes over, we can get embarrassed and self-critical.

The best way to manage those unsightly parts of ourselves is actually to befriend them. Yes, even that one you hate. Hating ourselves for a certain reaction rarely creates change. 

“Parts” language comes from a therapy modality called Internal Family Systems. We can really get into the weeds on this, but the basic theory is that we all have many parts of ourselves that are performing different tasks for our overall good. The parts always intend well for us, even if their actions seem to backfire. Often these parts of ourselves are working to protect us in some way and fear that if they don’t do what they are doing (pleasing others, being critical, being a perfectionist, acting suspicious, etc.) that something bad would happen. 

If this seems like it’s getting woo-woo, hang with me. Remember my horrible, impatient “Customer Service” part? It comes across as rude and impatient and demanding. I don’t love it. And yet, when I slow down, I see  that on some level this part of me is wanting justice & results. If I can accept that’s what my rudeness to the poor customer service person is trying to get results, then I can learn to honor that underlying need while using other, more effective tools to make that happen. As the old adage goes, You catch more flies with honey than vinegar. 

Think of a part of yourself that you hate. In a spirit of compassion & curiosity (this is important!), ask yourself:

• What is this part’s job for me?

• What is it afraid would happen if it didn’t do its job?

Take that insight, and with compassion, see how you may experiment with meeting that need in another way. For example, if your tendency toward anxiety is driven by a need to feel prepared, the next time you feel anxious, do what you can that would help you feel prepared.

Parts work is powerful. When you dig in deep here, it can unleash some amazing self-compassion and insight. If this piques your interest and you want to learn more about how to best understand and harness your parts, give me call.