Reciprical Relationships: How to Take Up More Space in Relationships
You are the one reaching out to friends checking in, you’re the one planning events, you’re the one initiating hanging out, you’re the one asking how others are doing. If you do share, you notice friends often bring the topic back to themselves. When you realize how few reciprocal friendships you have, you start to feel resentful & overwhelmed.
Honestly, you’re not even totally sure if it’s that others aren’t offering space to you, or you’re not choosing to take it.
The idea of “taking up space” may feel a bit confusing. Imagine “manspreading” - that guy on BART who is sitting with his legs spread, even though the train is crowded, leaving those next to him squished to make themselves smaller. Ladies, I know you know.
That same idea can be true relationally. Some friends take up more space emotionally & relationally, sometimes because they demand it (lots of crises, big feelings, etc), and sometimes because you are forfeiting your own space & offering it to others. Either way, if you’re the friend accommodating, you will learn to make yourself small, and ultimately stop sharing. If you have a hard time acknowledging your own emotions & needs on your own, you will have a hard time occupying that space in relationships too.
Here’s the thing - You are worthy of the space you inhabit, the emotions & needs you have. You too, can take up your rightful space in relationships.
Working toward sharing the space in balanced, reciprocal relationship:
Practice identifying your emotions & needs regularly.
When you don’t take up much space, you often become accustomed to tuning out your internal world.
Practice decision making.
Again, start small here. When friends are deciding whether to order Zachary’s Pizza or Burma Star, use your voice. You may only have a slight preference, but practice assertive communication for what you want. Then choose to deflect those nagging thoughts about if that works for everyone else (they have a voice they can use, too).
Share honestly (even without prompting).
With your inner circle people, make it a priority to share honestly how you are doing, what’s life giving in this season, what’s been challenging. Even if your friend doesn’t specifically say “How are you these days?”, take up space in the conversation and share “Hey this awesome thing just happened at work! I’m feeling super excited about it” You’d likely welcome this wholeheartedly from a friend, so you too can offer it.
Analyze & adjust.
Once you practice these new behaviors take stock. How did you feel? (actually pretty good right?) Did the world swallow you whole? (nope) Not as scary as you thought? (not really) Friends didn’t reject you? (likely not). Yay! Adjust if needed and keep practicing.
Enjoy your appropriate space in the world, you deserve it!
As always, if you are feeling really stuck operating too small (or too big), schedule a free 15 minute consultation call to get started with therapy in Dublin, CA today. I’m happy to figure it out together.