What Emotions Can Teach Us
Recently I was at a parent education training where the presenter shared a brilliant quote she had heard about emotions:
“Our feelings are a lot like toddlers, we can’t let them drive, but we also can’t put them in the trunk.”
The room was filled with parents of toddlers, so a knowing chuckle lingered. If you’ve spent much time with either a toddler, or your own big feelings, I imagine you can resonate.
Culturally, we are quite inclined to distrust our emotions as illogical and irrational. Religious communities may amplify that with language around our natural instincts or emotions being inherently sinful or leading us astray. Depending on your personality, you may be wired to either over appreciate (let your feelings drive) or underappreciate them (put them in the trunk). This gets tricky, when the reality is that we are very much feeling creatures, and that’s okay!
So, why do we have emotions? Should we listen to our feelings at all? What can our emotions teach us?
All feelings are valid (but not fact)
First, let’s acknowledge that anything you may be feeling is absolutely valid. On some level, it makes sense. This does not mean, however, that your feelings are true. Let’s say I feel anxious when I’m about to speak in front of a group. Absolutely understandable. But this does not necessarily equate to a reality that I am unsafe, that this situation is dangerous, or that I can’t do this. We can hold self-compassion for our emotions without completely joining them.
Our emotions are information for us.
Emotions help inform us about our response to something, if something feels safe or unsafe, if a certain activity is life giving or draining for us, if we have some gut intuitive response to a situation. That information is neither good nor bad, it’s neutral. Just as we may have a preference for a certain temperature over the other, there are certainly some more comfortable emotions for us, but ultimately there are no good or bad feelings.
Feelings reveal underlying needs
Once we can name and notice our feelings, it opens the door to get curious about what may be going on underneath the surface. What is this feeling protecting for us? What need is this feeling pointing us toward? For instance, anger is often a first line of defense when we may need to set a boundary or sense injustice. Anxiety may want us to take action about something. Feeling numb may be a reminder we are overwhelmed and need some respite. Sadness may reveal grief, a need for comfort. Joy may help connect us to others, motivate us towards things we love, etc.
Out of scope emotions help us identify bigger issues
All our feelings are valid, but it’s not uncommon to notice a big reaction to a seemingly average situation. When this happens, especially if it happens in a pattern, it’s an invitation to get curious about what may be going on under the surface. Often we are reacting to something else, not necessarily the situation at hand. What feeling is coming up? Can you think of other times you have felt similarly? Does this situation feel familiar to anything else you’ve experienced?
So tuck those helpful, informative feelings safely into the carseat in the back row. You can listen to their wisdom and what needs they display, and you get to be the adult, wise driver of whatever actions you take.
Our emotions can be a wise map of our internal worlds, and they can also be quite tricky to understand and process. If you are in need of some help understanding and coping with your emotions, you don’t have to figure it out alone. Ready to get started with therapy in Dublin, CA? Reach out to schedule your free 15 minute consultation call, and we’ll see if therapy can help.